The Five C’s of Loving, Effective Discipline

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

I sent my daughter and her older brother (7 and 9 years old) to their rooms after yet another incident that resulted in her tears. My son knew how to trigger her and my daughter was overly reactive and emotional. Both were in trouble for words and actions they took toward each other that day. As I sat at my son's bed talking to him about the consequences of his actions, he could see, maybe for the first time, my deep disappointment in his behavior.

While I did not state this to him, I was becoming genuinely concerned that after many occurrences over the years, my little guy's  provoking to purposefully arouse and wound would become lodged in his behavior. I could see there was a thrill in it for him that went beyond mere fun and teasing. The severity of the consequence (this was a repeat offense) and the seriousness in my words sent the message that this intentional badgering of his sister had to stop.

I spanked him, held him as he cried, and spoke to him calmly, sternly, and with compassion— actions I had consistently taken before. What struck me as different this time was his apparent reception of the message—I sensed he had finally made a connection. It was a connection with me as his dad. I think he saw how his actions impacted me and in the goodness of his heart, he did not want to further disappoint his father. This marked a turning point, and from that moment on, there was a noticeable shift in his attitude and actions toward his sister. Looking back, I see that this one episode of discipline in the cumulative sequence of many attempts with discipline for the same outcome, put us on a trajectory as father and son, unlocking the potential for a meaningful relationship that we experienced in the years ahead. The consistent and compassionate application of discipline had finally taken effect and its power was in the context of our relational connection.

The biggest, overarching concept I could propose for you to understand about discipline is this: in the end, discipline is primarily about you making connections for your children. It’s not about punishment. It’s not about exercising power or authority, or the respect you may deserve as a father. It is about making connections for your children and making connections with your children.

This is applied in two ways:

First, through discipline, the relational-emotional connection between you and your child will be deepened.

Second, not only are you making a connection with your child, you are making essential connections for your child. Through discipline, your kids will make associations about the realities of life and their place in the world (see key connection under each point below).

1. COMMUNICATION

Husbands, how does it feel when your wife makes an unspoken expectation of you, and then is frustrated when you don’t meet it? Maybe she thought you were “just supposed to know”? Likewise, nothing confuses, exasperates and creates insecurity in a child more than a father who has behavioral or attitudinal expectations of him or her, who has not clearly communicated those expectations, and then who disciplines them for not meeting these unspoken expectations.

First, fathers should communicate their expectations of their children’s behavior in advance and in calm, ongoing ways, making it the goal that there are no surprises when discipline occurs.

Then, and most importantly, before any episode of discipline is expressed, dads should clearly explain to their children why they are receiving it.

Key connection: By communicating well, you are connecting CAUSE TO EFFECT.

Discipline that is random and non-sensical damages a child. Be sure to communicate to your kids in a way that is unambiguous (be specific), fair (the expectation is actually doable for them) and has consequences attached. Remember, painful consequences teach; pleasurable consequences inspire. A great way to make sure you have communicated well is to ask them to repeat back to you both the request and the consequence.

2. CHOICES

One way we crush our child’s spirit is by taking away choices. When children have options, their dignity is preserved, they are employing logic and reason in decision-making (always a good thing), and they are more capable of accepting consequences.

• “Either-Or” Choices
• “When-Then” Choices
• “You Decide” Choices

* To get more information on these choices, download our free ebook on discipline.

Key connection: With giving choices, you are connecting CHOICES TO EARNING TRUST.

As your child grows, you can slowly relinquish more important decisions to them as they have built trust and a track record of good decision-making. You expand that box over time— but when they’re younger, remember in the end “parent decides”.

3. CONSEQUENCES

The proper application of consequences is critically important in the dynamic of discipline. Why? Behavior changes when the pain of our decisions is worse than the pleasure of our decisions. This is true for adults and children alike.

But, parents confuse their children in attempts at discipline when...

• They do not act.
• They do not follow through.
• The consequence does not match the offense.
• They don’t utilize natural consequences.

Key connection: You are connecting CHOICES TO CONSEQUENCES.

One more thing here: Remember discipline is also about rewards for positive behavior, not just punishment for undesired behavior. Be sure to incentivize your children by helping them see the positive results of their obedience. So, connect positive choices to positive consequences.

A note about spanking:
In the GUIDEBOOK that you can download from our site, I’ve written a whole section on spanking. Some of you are proponents of spanking, some of you are strongly against it, others of you are currently considering it as a means of discipline. When they were young, I spanked all three of my children in appropriate and measured ways. However, in this section I am not proposing or opposing it... only explaining it. The decision whether to spank is yours. You should not decide this method of discipline due to another father’s choice or any outside pressure. I would encourage all dads to read this section in the appendix. In it, I explain at what ages spanking should occur, the reasons for doing it, and the methods by which to do it properly. I encourage you to get the GUIDEBOOK as you consider this important question.

4. CONSISTENCY

In one sense, a parent who is inconsistent in following-through and whose actions do not match their words is actually being very consistent. They are consistently poor at follow through, and their children are conditioned to learn that dad or mom is consistently inconsistent. This creates such instability and confusion in a child! What a sad realization for a child to gain about a parent at this early age; “My dad can be counted on to not do what he says.”

Dr. James Dobson said, “It is the ultimate paradox of childhood that youngsters want to be led, but insist that their parents earn the right to lead them.” Consistency equals integrity and trust. In the arena of discipline, this means that every time a child acts in a manner that violates a clearly communicated expectation, that child receives discipline. Every time, you should follow through in some way.

Key connection: You are connecting CONSISTENCY TO YOUR CHARACTER.

5. COMPASSION

There may be no more powerful way to shape your children than when reassuring them of your sincere love in moments of discipline. Since all discipline is born of love, it means reminding your children of your love in the midst of discipline.

Dad, here's what you MUST do. After an episode of discipline, you must hold and comfort your kids and sincerely speak to them the words, “I love you.” This gets a little tricky with teens when they are hurt and angry, but I did it anyway. They need to understand that your discipline of them was for one reason alone: it was motivated by your deep and abiding love that would move you to correct them.

TRUTH: Always assure your child of your love (say it to them) both before and after the act of discipline.

Why? Because compassion demonstrates that it is the behavior – not the child– that the parents rejects.

Key Connection: You are connecting DISCIPLINE TO LOVE

This article is a SMALL excerpt of great insights into discipline from the Ebook “Managing Your Kids Without Crushing Their Spirit” by Dr. Mike Ayers.