Raising Boys Into Men in a Culture That Can't Define Either

So today, I want to ask you a question that's going to make some people really uncomfortable.

What is a man?

Not what should a man do. Not what values should a man have. I mean fundamentally—what makes a boy grow into a man? What are we aiming for?

And here's what we know: our culture literally cannot answer that question anymore. We can spend hours dissecting toxic masculinity. We can write dissertations on patriarchy and gender stereotypes. But sit down with the average parent today and ask them "What does healthy masculinity actually look like in my son?" and you get this awkward silence. Some stammering about "just being a good person" or "respecting women"—which yes, obviously, but that's not a definition of masculinity. That's just basic human decency.

We've spent two decades tearing down masculinity—defining the majority based upon a minority of men, who are not real men. There's been genuine abuse of masculine strength. Real harm done in the name of "being a man." I get it. But somewhere along the way, we forgot to rebuild anything. We deconstructed the house but never built it again.

So now we've got a generation of boys who have no idea what they're supposed to become. And we've got fathers who are terrified to be masculine because they don't want to be toxic, but they also don't know what the alternative looks like.

WHAT WE LOST

When my boys were young, we had this game we played called Bonking. I'd get down on my knees in the living room, and they'd line up across the room—Ryan first, then Brandon, and even Kaley my youngest and only daughter would join in. And on my signal, they'd charge at me full speed. Just run and tackle me. We'd wrestle, they'd pile on top of me, count to three like they'd pinned me in some epic wrestling match.

But here's what was actually happening in those moments. My sons were learning that they could be physical without being violent. That strength could be playful. That their masculine energy—this thing inside them that wanted to run and crash and compete—that wasn't bad. It was good, it just needed direction. And my daughter was learning that masculine strength could be safe. That a man's power could protect her, catch her, make her feel secure instead of threatened.

But this is where we are. We've pathologized boyhood itself. Little boys want to move, to compete, to test their strength—and instead of teaching them how to direct that energy toward good purposes, we just try to suppress it. Sit still. Stop being so rough. Be more like your sister?

And then we wonder why boys are falling behind in school, why young men are directionless, why we're seeing this epidemic of failure to launch.

THE THREE PATHS

Here's what I've come to understand. There are basically three ways masculinity is playing out in our culture right now, and only one of them is actually healthy.

The first is what everybody's talking about—toxic masculinity. And it's real. This is the guy who uses his strength to dominate instead of protect. Who treats women like possessions. Who thinks emotions are weakness and vulnerability is shameful. That's toxic, and fathers absolutely need to reject it.

But then there's this other path that almost nobody talks about, and it's just as destructive. I call it abandoned masculinity. This is the man who's so afraid of being toxic that he abandons masculine traits entirely. He never initiates anything. He defers every decision to his wife. He avoids all conflict. He won't discipline his kids because he wants to be the fun parent.

And I've watched what this does to kids. Sons grow up with no model of masculine initiative. Daughters grow up with no experience of masculine leadership. And here's what's tragic—they often end up either marrying passive men and being frustrated their whole marriage. OR they swing completely the other direction and choose domineering men because at least that feels like strength.

Both paths fail our kids. Toxic masculinity abuses strength. Abandoned masculinity refuses to use strength at all.

But there's a third way. We might call it authentic masculinity, but really it's just biblical masculinity. It's what we see in Jesus.

Think about Jesus for a minute. This is the guy who wept openly at his friend's tomb. Who washed his disciples' feet. Who let children climb all over him. But this is also the guy who walked into the temple and started flipping tables and driving people out with a whip. Who told the Pharisees they were whitewashed tombs, sons of vipers. Who walked willingly toward the cross knowing exactly what was coming.

He was tender and fierce. Gentle and bold. A servant and a king. And that integration—not the elimination of either side—that's what our sons need to see.

WHAT BOYS ARE ACTUALLY LOSING

So what happens when we try to eliminate distinctly masculine fathering? When we tell dads that they're replaceable and they need to parent exactly like moms?

We rob boys of the experiences that actually form masculine identity.

Boys need to learn how to handle strength. They've got this energy, this drive to compete, to test themselves, to push limits. That's not cultural conditioning. That's biology. And they need fathers to show them how to channel it toward good purposes instead of just suppressing it.

Wrestling with your sons, playing sports together, teaching them to use tools and build things—these aren't just fun activities. They're showing boys that their masculine energy isn't bad. It's good, it just needs direction. The difference between being violent and being strong. Between being aggressive and being assertive. Between using your strength to dominate and using it to protect.

Boys also need to learn how to treat women. And here's the uncomfortable truth—they learn this primarily by watching how their father treats their mother. Not by what you say in some awkward conversation. By what they see every single day.

The way you speak to your wife becomes their template for how men speak to women. If you serve her, if you honor her, if you make decisions together and treat her as a genuine partner—they learn what Ephesians 5 actually means when it says "love your wives as Christ loved the church."

Boys also need to see masculine resilience. Not "never fail" but "get back up." When you mess up and then go to your sons and say "I was wrong about how I handled that. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"—you're showing them that real men take responsibility for their failures.

A WORD TO DADS OF DAUGHTERS

I need to say something quickly to those of you with daughters, because this matters just as much.

Your daughter's relationship with you is the single most important relationship she will have with a man. That's not an overstatement.

You are her first experience of male love. How you love her shapes what she'll accept from other men later. If you're distant, she'll spend her life chasing unavailable men. If you're critical, she'll accept men who tear her down. If you're warm and present and pursuing, she'll expect that. You're setting her standard. Make it high.

When daughters wrestle with their dads, when they jump and get caught, when they feel their father's strength holding them up, protecting them—they're learning that masculine strength can be safe. That a man's power can make them feel secure instead of threatened.

THE PRACTICAL CHALLENGE

So what does this actually look like this week?

Well, if a man is anything, he's an initiator. He's a leader. That means he takes responsibility and acts.

So let me give you three things. I call it the initiation challenge, because the key word is initiate. Don't wait for your kids to come to you. Don't wait for your wife to tell you what to do. Step up and lead.

First, physical presence. Initiate some kind of rough play, a physical activity, or teach a hands-on skill. Maybe it's wrestling. Maybe it's shooting hoops. Maybe it's teaching your son to change a tire or build something. The point is masculine fathers don't just sit on the couch—they get their kids moving. Not WATCH some physical activity, like watching a football game on TV, but doing it. Go throw the football together.

Second, emotional pursuit. This one's harder for a lot of us. Don't wait for your child to come talk to you about what's bothering them. Friday night, say "Get in the car, we're going for a drive." Go get burgers or ice cream. And then ask "What's really going on with you lately?" And then—this is the hard part—don't let them blow you off with "nothing." Press in gently but firmly. Or, you emotionally pursue by initiating love. Say to your child, this week, "I love being your dad. I'm really glad God gave you to me."

Third, sacrificial service. Do something costly for your family that nobody asked you to do. Take on the hard task. Get up early and handle the thing everyone was dreading. Absorb the inconvenience. Go last in some way. Put them before you. Let them see that masculine strength exists to serve, not to be served.

Maybe it's coming home from work exhausted and seeing that your wife has had a brutal day too, and instead of collapsing on the couch, you say 'Hey, I've got this. Go take a bath, read your book, I'll handle bedtime.'

Maybe it's canceling your golf plans on Saturday to take the kids to the park for three hours. Let them see that sacrifice.

Surprise your family in some way this week.

WHAT IS A MAN?

Here's what we need you to hear. Our culture can't tell you how to raise boys to become men because it refuses to define what a man is. But you don't have to be held hostage to that confusion.

Look to Jesus. Look at how he integrated strength and tenderness, courage and compassion, boldness and humility. That's your model. Not the toxic caricature. Not the passive abdication. The real thing.

Your sons are watching you. Right now. They're learning what masculinity looks like by watching you. They're discovering whether masculine strength can be trusted by experiencing yours. They're forming their understanding of what men are for by observing what you do with your strength.

And your daughters are watching too. They're learning what to expect from men. What kind of treatment to accept and what to reject. What a good man actually looks like.

Be strong. Be gentle. Be present. Initiate. Protect. Serve. Sacrifice.

The world needs real men. The kind who embody honor and courage and servant leadership. The kind who protect the vulnerable and stand for what's right even when it costs them everything.

Your kids need to see that kind of man. And here's the beautiful, terrifying truth—they're looking at you to show them what that looks like.

Don't let our culture's confusion rob them of what they desperately need.

Now go be the Father Friend God called you to be.

And by the way. How do we define a man? Here it is…

"A man is a male human, male at birth who becomes a male adult, who uses his strength to lead, protect and serve."