My Daughter Got Married: 3 Takeaways for Dads with Daughters

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

A few weeks ago, my daughter got married at the age of 25. In what was a very sentimental and special event, I thought I would share some perspectives on her marriage for those of you who will face this reality at some point and that you’ll be encouraged by what’s written.

SOAK IT IN

Life is busy in the child-raising years and therefore, as you well know, goes by quickly. Rare are the moments to pause; feel deep gratitude for the blessings of life; reflect on all the fond, fun, difficult and euphoric experiences that you have shared with your kids while they were growing up; and to mark moments of transition. There may be no bigger life transition than your daughter’s wedding. Just like in the hurriedness of living, weddings can be a time of stress. It’s important for you as a dad to step back, see the big picture, and savor this moment with your daughter.

A few days before her wedding, I told her, “With all the details and busyness at this time, weddings can be a bit crazy. So, don’t have the experience and miss the meaning.” I wanted her to soak in this big moment and not miss it due to other less important distractions. The same is true for you, dad. Breathe deeply. Soak it in and feel deep joy for the blessings of your life; for the blessing of your daughter and her coming of age. Mark it in your mind as a moment you’ll cherish for the rest of your life. Also, commit yourself to being a calming, non-anxious presence for her in the experience of her wedding.

LETTING GO

My daughter and I have always held a special relationship. She has two older brothers so she is the youngest and the only girl. From the time of planning parenthood, I had always wanted to be a girl’s daddy. The Lord gave me that gift in her (and more!). My daughter and I have similar interests in the outdoors, in sports, in exercise and in our faith. Through the years we’ve become buddies over these commonalities.

So, from the moment my daughter was born, I felt an instinctive need to protect her. It was true for my boys too, but with your little girl that role seems heightened. As a father, you spend years safeguarding your child from the world's dangers, guiding her through many challenges, and offering your support through all the emotions of life’s ups and downs. The day she gets married, you realize that you’re entrusting someone else with this sacred responsibility. It’s a profound moment of letting go.

So, the wedding was not just about the physical act of walking her down the aisle; it was about trusting someone else to cherish and protect her as fiercely as I have. It’s about acknowledging that your daughter is entering a new phase of her life, where her partner will now play a primary role in her protection and care.

This leads to another perspective to share. For dads who have girls entering late teenage to young-adult years, it’s important to be prepared for “emotional distancing”. With my daughter beginning to date and then certainly when serious dating started, there was a normal distancing that occurred. She didn’t seem to need me as much. In reality, this began toward the end of college and into grad school. While it may start at a different time for you, it will occur and it’s important that you be prepared for it. This emotional distancing is not only necessary, it is a very good thing for your little girl in her maturation. It’s about her becoming autonomous and responsible. It is what you want your daughter to do- that is, to make her marriage and newly established home her #1 priority. This new life of hers is codified at her wedding. Her husband is now the first man in her life and her best friend. This is the way it should be. So, don’t be alarmed at that and certainly don’t be a rival to that devotion. Come alongside her, accept your new role, and encourage her dedication to her husband.

It’s natural to grieve letting her go. So, grieve, but also celebrate this wonderful new phase of life for your daughter. You’ll always be her daddy and the first man she loved. You may be realigned in her life, but you’ll never be replaced.

The Father-Friend Phase

Per the Father-Friend model, Quadrant 4 of fathering is marked by some really cool things. This is the phase where you have done your work, and the goal now is to be a supporter of your child. This quadrant involves key behaviors of listening, affirming, supporting, empowering, trusting and refraining from telling and directing. When called upon, dad can be there for advice and comfort. 

My daughter’s wedding was a mosaic of emotions. It was a time of reflection, celebration, and a little bit of mourning for the passing of her childhood. Yet, it was also a moment of immense pride and joy as I witnessed the confident, loving, and capable woman she has become.

As dads, we might struggle with the idea of letting go, but we must remember that our daughters carry with them the values, love, and lessons we’ve imparted. This is true in spite of our imperfections and failings. Embrace the good you’ve done as a dad. Her marriage is not an end, but a continuation of the beautiful journey we’ve been a part of. And as she and her husband step into their new roles as partners and one day parents, we can take comfort in knowing that, we’ve prepared them well for the road ahead and done our best as a father.

As Kaley prepared to walk out to meet me and her mom to walk down the aisle, I had a moment of sentiment and gratitude for the joy of being her daddy. I shed a few tears, wiped them off, walked her down the aisle, and gave her away to a good and loving man. Life is a gift and it doesn't get any better than that.