Listening Is Loving

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

Though I cannot remember the exact situation, I have a strong memory of an episode when my middle son Brandon was in trouble. He was probably 8 years old or so. I was in the process of lecturing him when he kept trying to interrupt me to say something. I kept going. Finally, he raised his voice and told me, "But dad, I was..." Ugh! I had made an assumption that he did something wrong, when in reality he was doing something right that I had misunderstood. Then, I did that thing that many dads have done in a moment like that. I said an embarrassing, "Oh, my bad". That didn't seem adequate. It was a moment I wished I had listened to him rather than jump to conclusions.

As dads, we feel it’s our job to talk to and direct our kids, especially younger children. Of course, that’s true. We have to guide and correct our kids. But I think many of us underestimate the power of listening to our children and the trust gained by doing so. There’s influence in keeping our mouths shut, looking our child in the eyes and listening to them when they talk.

People feel loved, seen, known and understood when they are listened to. This is more true for our kids when we as dads take the time to listen to them. Yes, listening is loving and loving is listening. So, make it your goal first to understand, then be understood.

• Rehearsing a response is not listening
• Being unempathetic is not listening
• Justifying your frustration to them is not listening
• Interrupting them is not listening
• Being critical of them when they speak is not listening

Unlocking effective communication with your child, even when they seem more inclined to grunt than engage in conversation, is crucial for fostering a strong father-child relationship. By avoiding common communication pitfalls and prioritizing active listening, you create an environment where your child feels comfortable opening up.

Living with a child who appears reluctant or unable to share their concerns or daily experiences can be a familiar struggle for many dads. If you find yourself in this situation, you're not alone. It can feel like breaking into your child's inner world is an insurmountable task, especially if you have another child in the same household who readily shares their thoughts and feelings. While both communication styles have their merits, each presents its own set of challenges. Understanding how to navigate these differences is essential for fostering healthy father-child communication.

Setting the Stage
Encouraging your child to communicate starts with building trust from an early age. Avoid being overly critical when your child confides in you, as this can discourage them from sharing their thoughts and feelings in the future. Instead, strive to listen without judgment and gather all the facts before jumping to conclusions. By demonstrating that you're on the same team as your child, even if you don't always agree with them, you create a supportive environment where they feel safe to open up.

Establishing dedicated one-on-one time with each child is essential for fostering meaningful conversations. Whether it's during bedtime routines or leisurely walks, these moments provide opportunities for genuine connections to flourish. Even when your child seeks you out to talk at inconvenient times, such as during important phone calls, prioritize listening and being present. These moments of connection are invaluable for building trust and strengthening your relationship with your child.

Active Listening
Becoming a good listener is key to nurturing open communication with your child. Resist the urge to immediately jump in and solve their problems. Instead, focus on understanding their emotions and helping them accurately label their feelings. By guiding them through this process, you empower them to address their concerns in a constructive manner.

Helping your child differentiate between surface emotions and deeper underlying feelings is essential for effective communication. By acknowledging and validating their emotions, you create a safe space for them to explore their thoughts and experiences. Encourage them to express themselves openly and offer support as they navigate challenging situations.

Problem Resolution
Problem resolution doesn't always involve finding a definitive solution. Sometimes, it's about helping your child cope with their emotions and develop strategies for managing difficult situations. Start by reassuring them that their feelings are valid and normal, reflecting on similar experiences you may have had in the past.

Encourage your child to brainstorm potential solutions to their problems while allowing them to take the lead in finding answers. By empowering them to explore different options, you help foster their problem-solving skills and promote independence.

Ensuring Future Communication
Building trust and fostering open communication with your child requires ongoing effort and commitment. Encourage them to confide in you by praising their honesty and respecting their privacy. Keep their secrets confidential and refrain from sharing sensitive information with others without their consent.

Lead by example by modeling good communication skills and sharing your own experiences with your children. Create opportunities for open dialogue by setting aside dedicated time for individual conversations with each child. Encourage active listening and teach your children the importance of respecting others' perspectives and keeping confidences.

By promoting a culture of open communication within your family, you create a supportive environment where your children feel valued and understood. Remember that effective communication takes time and patience, but the rewards are well worth the effort. With perseverance and dedication, you can strengthen your bond with your child and navigate the ups and downs together.