Strategies for How to Talk to Your Teen

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

“They barely say two words to me," "All I get are grunts," and "She doesn't want anything to do with me"... These are common phrases I’ve heard from parents of teens throughout my career. I’ve also experienced them with my own teenagers.

If you have teens, you may remember a time when they seemed to enjoy you, look up to you, and talk to you about all things going on in their world. But something happened in the their teen years that changed you from their hero into an out-of-touch nerd. As a result, parenting a teenager can feel like navigating a maze blindfolded. The once-chatty child who happily shared their world with you has seemingly morphed into a silent, eye-rolling, entitled mystery. As adolescents journey through the chaotic teenage years, communication often becomes a battlefield filled with misunderstandings and conflicts. However, maintaining open lines of dialogue with your teen is critical for their emotional well-being and your sanity.

Just remember your own teen years. For all of us it was a time of change, confusion, insecurity, experimentation, exploration into identity and desire for independence. We often forget that our kids are going through the same things and that this is a difficult period of development fraught with even more challenges in today’s world as compared to ours.

Despite the challenges, fostering a strong bond with your teen is essential. We need as much understanding and patience possible to get them through it.

Here are some strategies to enhance communication with your teen:

Listen Actively: Create space for your teen to express themselves without interruption. Encourage open dialogue by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions and demonstrating genuine interest in their perspective. Remember, listening is loving. Pick what to say, when to say it and when to say nothing and simply to be there to listen.

Stay Flexible: Tune into your teen's verbal and nonverbal cues to gauge their mood and receptiveness. Adjust your approach accordingly to ensure meaningful engagement.

Stay Calm: Practice emotional regulation by refraining from reacting impulsively to your teen's words or actions. Maintain composure and focus on understanding the underlying message behind their behavior. Seek to respond not react. Reactions are impulsive and random. They are often full of emotion, lacking context and empathy. Responses, however, are intentional, reasoned and based upon understanding. You'll regret reactions. You will rarely regret responses. Ask and listen more. Talk and tell less.

Respect Boundaries: Acknowledge and respect your teen's need for more privacy and autonomy. Avoid pressuring them to discuss sensitive topics and establish clear boundaries for communication.

Avoid Judgment: Cultivate an environment of acceptance and non-judgment where your teen feels safe to share their thoughts and experiences. Offer support and guidance without imposing your own values or expectations. Ask them open-ended questions that will help them arrive at their own values and boundaries. Tell less, be curious more.

Pick Your Battles: Prioritize issues that are crucial for your teen's well-being and development. Let go of minor disagreements to preserve a positive and supportive relationship.

Use Humor: Infuse humor into your interactions to lighten the mood and strengthen your connection with your teen. A well-timed, corny dad joke make be just the thing to lighten their hearts. Stay light, have fun.

Share Interests: Engage in activities or discussions that align with your teen's interests to foster bonding. Show genuine curiosity and willingness to explore their world, even if it's unfamiliar territory for you.

Prepare for Difficult Conversations: Approach sensitive topics with empathy and sensitivity, validating your teen's emotions while providing guidance and support. Listen attentively and refrain from rushing to judgment or criticism. They will blow it and make mistakes. Be prepared for that reality. How will you respond?

Stay Engaged: Find the balance between being present in their lives and being overbearing. Though they distance themselves from you, decide now that despite their ups and downs, you are a constant presence in their lives and that you are not going away. Interestingly, researchers have found evidence linking positive teen conduct with parental EFFORTS to establish boundaries and engage in conversations about various aspects of their lives, including friendships, activities, and school experiences. This means that even just your effort, regardless of their response, displays a consistency to them that they need, and one that they will remember after these teen years pass.

Communicate Unconditional Love: While there are boundaries and disrespect toward you is never acceptable, remind them in words and deeds, and even by giving them space, that your love is not based upon their performance or response. It’s rooted in your character. Make sure they know they are always enough in your eyes and always loved. Tell them that there is never anything they could do that would cause you to love them more, or anything they would not do that could cause you to love them less.

Why Communication Is Vital
Numerous studies indicate that precisely at the season when many adolescents distance themselves from their parents, they may actually be in greatest need of parental involvement, supervision, and guidance. Be courageous to keep communication current.

They Still Depend on You
Despite projecting independence, many teenagers secretly yearn for parental support, acceptance, and affection. Maintaining a strong bond with parents can significantly influence teenagers' self-perception. Research affirms the profound impact of parental closeness and warmth on adolescents' sense of self-worth. So, although they may be reluctant to acknowledge it, teenagers continue to rely on and desire their parents' presence in their lives.

By implementing these strategies, parents can forge deeper connections with their teens and navigate the complexities of adolescence together. Remember, effective communication is a journey that requires patience and perseverance, but the rewards are worth it.