5 Ways to Guarantee an Entitled Child

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

I have worked in higher education administration for more than 20 years. I continue to be amazed at how many parents feel the need to interject themselves into the challenges that their children face— even young adult children. Many kids are not learning how to properly assert themselves, speak with respect to others, act maturely in light of difficulties they experience, take "no" for an answer, or solve their own problems. Parents rescue and hover way too often and the result is a generation of entitled children, youth and young adults.

In today's world, raising a well-adjusted child seems to be increasingly challenging. With the rise of helicopter parenting and the tendency for parents to supply instant gratification, entitlement has become a concerning issue in our culture. We see it even with adults (aka, "Karens") and dads have to step in and help their children become better than this.

The Oxford dictionary defines entitlement as: "the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment." Entitlement doesn't just appear out of thin air; it's often nurtured through certain parenting behaviors. Children are conditioned to believe they are entitled to certain things. The result is often ingratitude on the part of the child as well as rising expectations for more.

Here are five surefire ways to guarantee an entitled child, along with some insights on how to avoid these pitfalls.

1. Not enforcing boundaries: Boundaries are like guardrails on a road; they keep children safe and help them understand limits. However, failing to enforce boundaries sends a message that rules are negotiable or irrelevant. This can lead to a sense of entitlement, where the child believes they can do as they please without consequences. Dads must establish clear and consistent boundaries early on, and more importantly, enforce them. Consistency is key; if rules are arbitrary or only enforced sporadically, children may become confused and more likely to challenge authority.

   Our response: “It’s fine, you can watch one more show”

   They learn: “Rules don’t apply to me.”

2. Overpraising for ordinary things: Praise is a powerful tool for shaping behavior, but it loses its effectiveness when overused or misapplied. Showering children with excessive praise for mundane tasks or minor achievements can inflate their sense of self-importance. This can create an unrealistic expectation of constant validation and recognition for every little thing they do. It also has a reverse effect— children can become dependent upon trite praise and become deflated when not. Instead, focus on praising effort, improvement, and character traits like kindness and perseverance. By emphasizing intrinsic qualities rather than superficial accomplishments, children learn to derive satisfaction from their own efforts rather than external praise.

   Our response: “You finished your homework! You’re the smartest kid at that school!”

   They learn: “I should be praised for everything I do.”

3. Giving in to demands: It's natural for parents to want to fulfill their children's desires and make them happy. However, constantly giving in to their demands teaches them that they are entitled to get whatever they want, whenever they want it. This sets a dangerous precedent and can lead to frustration and resentment when they inevitably encounter situations where their wishes aren't immediately gratified. Teaching delayed gratification and the value of earning rewards through hard work and patience is essential for instilling a healthy sense of entitlement.

   Our response: “Fine. You can have ice cream. Just stop whining”

   They learn: “If I whine I get whatever I want."

4. Solving all their problems: As parents, it's instinctual to want to shield our children from hardship and adversity. However, constantly swooping in to solve their problems deprives them of valuable opportunities for growth and self-reliance. It sends the message that they are incapable of handling challenges on their own, fostering a dependency mindset. Instead, encourage autonomy by guiding them through problem-solving processes and allowing them to experience natural consequences. This builds resilience and confidence, qualities that are far more valuable than temporary comfort.

   I remember my middle son Brandon saving his money to get a baseball glove. We had an old glove that we shared, but he wanted a new one. He worked extra chores and saved money given to him from birthdays in order to get it. We got to the store, got the glove off the shelf, went to the counter without checking the exact price of the glove, and well, he did not have enough money. He was several dollars short. I had a choice as a dad. I could give him the extra money and "rescue" him from this disappointment, or could step aside and let him solve his own problem. I said, "I'm sorry Bran, but you don't have enough money." He, of course, was embarrassed and sad. I told him on the way out of the store, "You just need to save a little bit more. It won't be long. It'll be ok." Well, he did just that. He saved and worked a bit more until he had enough and then I proudly took him to the store and he got the glove. I praised him for his patience and hard work. Guess what, he was proud of himself too... and he REALLY took care of that glove.
   
   Building character takes overcoming challenges. If we don't let our kids solve their own problems, they won't have the character as adults to solve them when we're not around.
   
   Our response: “I’ll talk to your teacher and take care of this.”
   
   They learn: “Someone else will solve all my problems”

5. Comparing to others: Constantly comparing children to their peers or siblings can be damaging to their self-esteem and sense of worth. Whether it's academic achievements, athletic ability, or social popularity, measuring children against arbitrary standards sets unrealistic expectations and undermines their individuality. Each child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate their work and individual progress without comparing them to others. Help them focus on themselves and not others; being the best version of themselves they can be... and let that be enough. Encourage them to pursue their interests and passions without the pressure to measure up to others. Focus on fostering a growth mindset, where mistakes are seen as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than failures.

   Our response: “He's not that good. You're a much better player than he is.”

   They learn: “I’m better than others and I should always be treated that way.”

In conclusion, raising a child free from entitlement is a challenge in today's world, but dads can do a lot to help. Your work requires a delicate balance of guidance, discipline, and encouragement. By establishing clear boundaries, offering genuine praise, teaching the value of patience and hard work, fostering independence, and celebrating individuality, dads can help cultivate a sense of humility, gratitude, and resilience in their children. It's not an easy task, but the rewards of raising a well-adjusted, empathetic, and self-assured individual far outweigh the challenges along the way.