5 Ways Dads Intimidate Their Children

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

I grew up in a rather chaotic, alcoholic family. My parents loved me, but they came from wounds themselves and had a difficult time overcoming them. There were many marital problems I witnessed while growing up. My dad was absent for weeks at a time, was not an affectionate person and could not say the words, “I love you” to me. The father void was strong in my life.

So the seeds of my desire to become a father and give to my own children what I lacked in a dad, were sown at a young age, perhaps as early as 14 or 15. Growing up in a household marked by alcoholism and emotional instability fueled within me a desire to have children for whom I would care, sacrifice and protect.

The father as protector-defender is an iconic image of fatherhood. Every dad is “big and strong” in their child’s eyes and children should know that their dad is there to protect them. Whether clasping their little one's hand while crossing the street, shielding them from the neighbor's overzealous dog, or setting boundaries for your teenager’s safety, “I will not let anything hurt you” is the message a child needs from his or her father.

This, as with all things fatherly, must be kept in balance because life sometimes hurts and kids need to learn how to handle it when it does. Not all pain is to be avoided because it is often redemptive and produces good.

One way this balance plays out is by exchanges of risks and rewards that fathers lead their children through. A dad prompts his son or daughter to risk standing up, trying to walk, riding a tricycle or bike, jumping into a pool, etc... this allows the child to learn that what they gained in the achievement of the act (confidence, thrill, courage, skills) was greater than the risk involved— even if the risk results in a skinned knee or a small bruise. The trust that dad has earned here is that just as he promised, the reward was worth the risk. Here, success is that they tried and that even trying is worth the risk.

But there is a difference between children experiencing periodic hurt like described above and them being wounded by their father’s intimidation. While it should go without saying, a father must guard his children from emotional, psychological and physical wounds. This applies not only to outside harm, but to the father-child relationship as well. While dads are “big” and should be respected, they should not be scary and invoke fright within their kids. Yelling at your children, belittling them with your words, being unpredictable in response to them, forcefully pushing them to do something they are not ready to do, intimidating them physically or inappropriately spanking them, etc... all these embed fear in your child and work against you being seen as their protector. Instead, you become a threat. If any of these are tendencies you have, DEAL WITH THEM (seek counseling) before you wound your children for years to come. Their trust of you involves believing that you will not be a source of harm.

Nobody's perfect, especially parents. I've made plenty of mistakes in my years as a dad. Though I sought to give my three kids a better upbringing than I had, I repeated some of the behaviors that made me feel insecure growing up. Talking to other dads, it's clear I'm not alone. Once you recognize how your actions affect your child's sense of safety, you can work on improving.

Here are five common ways dads inadvertently make their kids feel unsafe:

1. Overreacting: Kids are unpredictable, sometimes rowdy and unruly, and their actions can stress us out. This tension can lead to emotional overreactions or outbursts, often expressed with anger, making children feel unsafe. After a event that might cause your emotions to soar, take a moment to calm down. Respond with actions that help and teach, not words that intimidate.

2. Inconsistency: Consistency builds trust and reliability. When dads are inconsistent, kids have nothing to rely on. It's crucial to be consistent in relationships, boundaries, and discipline, and to follow through on promises. Inconsistency does so much harm because dads then become unpredictable. That leads to fear and intimidation.

3. Keeping Emotions Unchecked: Before reacting, ask yourself why you're upset—is it really about them or your own issues? Seek to be curious first and before acting— understanding the source of your motivations in your emotions. Seek to respond, not react. Are you acting out from something in your past?

4. Focusing Solely on Performance: Kids should know their value isn't based on achievements. Yet, dads may unintentionally emphasize performance over personal qualities, leading to anxiety and a constant need to prove themselves. Be sure to affirm your kids for who they are (honest, disciplined, never giving up, courageous, creative, kind, thoughtful, etc.) and not just on what they do. Children crave their dad's approval, but constant criticism of performance without personal affirmation can make them feel inadequate and insecure.

5. Confusing Respect with Fear: Dads are big and strong in their children’s eyes. This should evoke respect in your kids, not dread or fright. Many dads confuse respect with fear thinking that if their child is afraid of them, that equals respect. Respect, of course, involves a measure of proper fear for a dad’s authority, but your child can fear you without respecting you. Respect is earned from trust, love, sacrifice and service. Seek to earn respect and credibility, not just to be feared. Power (fear) without credibility is illegitimate power and leads to power abuse.