4 Ways Dads Build Trust

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

As a dad, I want my kids not just to follow me, or simply do what I ask, but to trust me. This is where true influence lies— an influence that lasts into their adult years that moves past conformity to transformation.

At the foundation of every relationship is the dynamic of trust. Without it, you don’t have relationship. Trust is the invisible currency that exists between people: it is at the heart of what is exchanged in a relationship. We give trust to others and receive it from others. We trust people to accept us, listen to us, value us, support us, and act in ways that are best for us. We also provide the same to others. Consequently, the level of trust among people determines the degree of connection and community they will feel with each other. The greater the trust, the deeper the love and unity.

This is vitally important for thinking dads to consider. As a father, if your children trust you, they will follow you and you will gain the credibility to influence them. It’s not enough to command and demand their compliance. To influence them, your children must willingly trust you. If they don’t, they won’t follow you—at least not in the long term. Thus, it could be said that trust is the primary asset of being a father and it is gained by integrity. Trust is what dads must create in order to become a child’s true father-friend.

Think of it this way. A dad holds a joint “account” with every person in the family. We might call it the trust account. Just like a bank account, dads make deposits into and/or withdrawals from the trust account on an ongoing basis. Deposits include such things as acting competently, showing integrity, providing care and concern, listening, sacrificing for the sake of your kids, being a good example, playing and fun in quality time, and providing good communication. Deposits in the account can look different for different children based upon what’s important to them and/or their love language. It’s smart to find out how to deposit trust uniquely to each child. Withdrawals might include expecting obedience, expecting sacrifice and extra work, correcting errant behavior, discipline, asking your kids to endure through difficult times rather than give up, and asking them to trust when things don’t make sense. Same is true with deposits- while there are some common themes, trust account withdrawals may look unique to each child. Here is the truth-- many dads make more withdrawals than deposits into their child’s trust account. Consequently, when the time comes when a father needs his children to trust and follow (despite a lack of understanding and resources), children don’t— at least not willingly. As with a bank account, more withdrawals than deposits equal insufficient funds. The trust check bounces.

Smart dads make ongoing deposits of trust. They do this primarily because it’s the right thing to do under God. But they also understand that there is an important side benefit. When push comes to shove, dads who have built trust (i.e., they have acted trustworthily) are those who will be trusted. Kids will say, “I might not see it his way, understand or agree, but I trust my dad and I will follow him.”

Father Friends understand that trust is earned not simply given. Dads can build trust in four primary ways:

1. Character- A Trust of Consistency: When dads act in integrity, they are believable and trusted. Integrity means there is congruence between a man’s beliefs, actions and words. Kids see it and know when there is a lack of integrity. So, when fathers keep commitments to the family, display moral character and courage, provide a spiritual example of authentic faith they want their children to possess, behave consistently with values, act fairly and sacrifice for the sake of their kids, they earn trust. Fathers who demand of their children that which dads are unwilling to give themselves, destroy trust.

2. Care & Concern- A Trust of Selflessness: when children believe that their dads genuinely care for them, listen to them, have concern for them, and sincerely hold their best interests in mind, they trust their dads. Children must know— “my father unconditionally loves me and believes in me.” They also must see that their father is unselfish. The saying "dad goes last" represents the heart of servanthood and communicates sacrificial love. Dads who "go first" in the family never earn trust.

3. Competence- A Trust of Capability: Dads who make good decisions and exercise skillfulness are dads who build credibility. They are seen by their kids as dependable because they possess competencies in what they are doing, and those competencies help the family succeed. Dads who hold a track record of success (in work, finances and family) enable kids to have confidence in them for the future. Their history of competence builds trust. A history of incompetence makes trust difficult for kids.

4. Communication- A Trust of Authenticity: Sharing information about the family, sharing information about oneself, telling the truth, admitting mistakes, giving constructive feedback, maintaining confidentiality—these build reciprocal trust with kids, because by communicating to them, a dad is trusting them. Nothing communicates love and trust like having talks, listening to your kids and by sharing information that reflects openness and vulnerability.

You want to build trust with your children? Be a man of character (have integrity), possess genuine care and concern for your kids (let them see your love), be competent as a man for the sake of your family (make good decisions), and communicate openly, fairly and listen (be authentic).