4 Reminders to Make the Most of the Father–Son Relationship

by Mike Ayers, Ph.D.

I have two boys and I feel blessed beyond measure with who they are as men, husbands and my oldest as a father. The father-son relationship is a unique bond between a man and his male child. The fun and opportunity associated with the relationship can be one of the most fulfilling parts of life. However, just as with anything else important, there are ups and downs to navigate and some pitfalls to avoid. Here are some pointers to keep you, as we say in Texas, “between the ditches” and headed down the road to building a lasting father-friend relationship with your son.

A ROLE MODEL
Always remember that s a dad, you’re setting an example of what’s important in life, and by default, what’s not important. This is not a command as if to say “you should set an example”, it’s an axiom of truth— you are setting an example whether you know it or not. We invest into things that are most important to us. So, look at where you spend your time, focus and energy, and money. This will help you understand not only what you value, but the ultimate place that value holds in your life, i.e. how you steward it. Obviously, we have to spend time working, but obsessive working without time for family, materialism, exuding stress to your kids about work, and sending the vibe that your job/career comes before all... these all communicate wrong values about what true success is.

Sons learn the essence of manhood primarily by observing their fathers. They adopt qualities like courage and authenticity. They learn the nature of sacrifice, faith and leadership— all these are virtues that male children yearn to find in an adult man, and the best person for that is the boy’s father. Therefore, fathers must be conscious of their behavior and interactions with their sons, wives, friends, etc. They should be mindful of their words and actions, as well as how they treat others. Fathers who are respectful, honest, and kind will most likely raise sons who also exhibit these qualities.

PLAY TOGETHER
In addition to being a good role model, spending quality time with your son is crucial for a strong father-son relationship. This is one of the best parts of having boys! You get to play together! No matter what age your son is, carve out time to engage in activities with him, even if you have a busy schedule. Spending down time together helps fathers and sons have spontaneous moments (in the midst of the fun) to get to know each other better and strengthen their bond. It also sends a message to the child that they are a priority for their father. Fathers can engage in fun activities with their sons, such as playing sports, board games, or exercising together. One of the best ways to spend quality time with your son is to participate in activities that both of you enjoy. This could be anything from hiking, camping, fishing, or attending sporting events. Or, if your son enjoys playing video games or watching movies, you can participate in these activities with him. By sharing common interests, fathers and sons can create a bond that goes beyond just a parent-child relationship. They can become friends and confidants, which is particularly important as the child grows into adolescence and young adulthood.

By doing things that both of you enjoy, you can create lasting memories and deepen your bond.

TALK LIKE A MAN- AUTHENTICALLY
Another way to deepen the father-son bond is by engaging in open and honest communication. Fathers should make an effort to listen to their sons and understand their perspective. This can be particularly important during adolescence when the child might be going through a difficult time. Fathers should create a judgment-free zone where their sons feel comfortable discussing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. This can help build trust and strengthen the father-son relationship. I’ve found that listening with patience and without judgement is one of the hardest things that men struggle with as dads. It’s important to understand the heart of your son, to give space for his mistakes and growth, and not place moral judgments upon him by not validating what he is saying and feeling. Also, speak openly and honestly to your son. He should know that you're a truth-teller, that you share how you feel, that you own your mistakes (say you're sorry), and that any subject can be approached. 

YOU’RE A TEACHER AND COACH
Fathers also teach their sons important life skills. This includes teaching them about finances, relationships, and decision-making. Fathers can also provide guidance on how to deal with difficult situations and how to develop resilience. These life skills are essential for your son's personal growth and development, and the father-son relationship can be a valuable source of support and guidance.

It's not easy as a dad, and if you need help or encouragement, become a regular visitor to Father Friend, sign up for our eblast email, get engaged in the father-friend community, or set a time to get coaching through our Father Friend website. You’re not alone! All of us dads, need information and inspiration from time-to-time.

The father-son relationship is a complex and important bond that requires effort, patience, and time. By being a good role model, spending quality time together, developing shared interests, engaging in open communication, and seeking support, fathers can build a strong and meaningful relationship with their sons, and create a bond that lasts a lifetime.